


Pine is for trees… not lagomorphs

by Freelance_Magic



Series: If a 6 foot tall dog man and tiny violent rabbit gremiln pined for each other would that be gay or what? [1]
Category: Sam & Max
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Chapter 3 is a bit spicy ( nothing happens but some of the words and descriptions are... colorful), Gay, Light Angst, Light Swearing, M/M, Max is a pining fool, Maybe a little ooc at times, Morning Cuddles, Morning Kisses, Mutual Pining, Pining, Popsicles, Protective Max, Thirsty Max, Unbetaed we die like men, first fan fic, heat wave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-05 07:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18823846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freelance_Magic/pseuds/Freelance_Magic
Summary: Various short stories about Max being a gay disaster and Sam being oblivious to it (or is he?(He totally is, trust me.))





	1. Chapter 1: Enticing smile

**Author's Note:**

> Some people have normal weaknesses like a fear of spiders or alcoholism. For max it’s always been that smile. THAT. GODDAMN. SMILE.

It was a slow day in the city, no calls from the ever elusive commissioner who I've never talked to, no distressed wives coming in rambling about how their hubby is dead or wants them dead (okay so the wife thing is something I only seen in old boring movies with not nearly enough violence for me) or whatever. Nope, nothing, nada, zilch, zero. And I wanted to keep it that way, today is the day were I plan on doing nothing but watching T.V, no matter how trashy it gets. Or it WAS, until Sam ran out of those new frozen treats he’s been obsessed with lately, the “ _ coconut jazz flavored popsicles (NOW WITH XTRA NUT) _ ”,  I guess it has to be good if they ditch the unnecessary E in extra. Now why didn’t I just say _ “no” _ to Sam? Tell him to get his own goddamn  _ “jazzies” _ ? That smile he gave me when he begged me to run to the only store in town that sold them.  **THAT.GODDAMN.SMILE.** So that’s why I’m here at the local coperiate chain supermarket, in line, buying popsicles,for my best friend, whom I have a massive crush on, which I had said crush since childhood. I always been weak for that stupid, goofy, cute, irresistible, kissable smile. It makes me want to slap him across his face, pin him to the wall and kiss the loving crap out of him, or have him pin ME to the wall but details, details. 

After paying for the “xtra nut jazzies” I started the walk back to the office. The walk back was taking a while due to the store being twenty blocks away and me being marketable-ly short.This gave me enough time to mentally prepare myself for Sam’s sometimes unbearable Sam...ness.  His love of frozen treats, banjo-playing and- wait, when did I make it back to the office? Am I really that far deep? So far deep that I would lose time just thinking about him? “Come on, Max pull it together.” I tell myself. I try and lie to myself about how I will be fine and how it’s “just Sam”. I take a deep breath and open the door to the office. The second the door closes Sam comes running with a huge smile on his face. Oh no, I’m gay, help. “Did ya get ‘em?” Sam excitedly said. Ok hold it together, Max you have this. “Yeah here ya go Sam, here are your stupid “Jazzies”. Ok so far so good, acting like my normal-ish self. Sam then reached down into the box, pulled out a popsicle and shoved the thing  **WHOLE INTO HIS MOUTH** . The overjoyed expression on his face, the dripping white fluid that looks like something else if somebody has a dirty mind (Spoiler alert: Me) coming out of the corner of his mouth and, of course the little happy moan he made was all enough to send me to the verge of tears. “Are you alright there little buddy?” Oh crap, I’m staring! I need to think of some excuse, quick! “How much TV did I miss Sam? Please tell me I didn't miss anything violent like, “ _ Canada’s most comically brutal police chases _ ”?” I smoothly  _ Liar  _ __ ask him as I make my way over to the TV. “Nah just some, “  _ Cognizant of the Kashmiris _ ”. Replied Sam. Oh good nothing of value was lost. As I settle into my spot in front the TV I realize that there was no reason that Sam could have just DRIVEN to the store and pick up the popsicles in the first place. “Hey, Max- I mean, Sam?” “Yeah little buddy?” Sam said as he sat beside me. “Why didn’t YOU pick up the treats?” Sam looks at me and with his still Jazz covered face and replies, “Oh, I just felt like doing nothing today except watch TV and eat frozen treats, Max.” …. What? **EX-FRIGGIN-CUSE ME?!** Did that little-? Oh ho he’s going down! “YOU-!” ”Hey Max, thanks for grabbing the Jazzies for me, I know it’s kinda a walk and all. I owe you one, little buddy.” And of course he givens me the sweetest smile know to the entire history of our damn planet, the white smudge on his muzzle gives it that extra edge of cuteness that just kills me, resurrects me and then kills me again. And now I’m paused mid angry chew out and have no more anger left. “Oh right, were you going to say something, Max?”

Crap. “...You got Jazzie on your face.” I finish lamely. “Oh.” Sam then proceeds to use his tongue (oh god his tongue) to lick up the mess on his face. “Did I get it, Max.” Sam asked as he he gave me another life shortening smile. “Yep.” I then look at the TV away from him as I hear him shift to get more comfortable. Ha, ha, I am so screwed!


	2. Max is all of the gay: an origin story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max reminisces about middle school and remembers a very important moment in his life.

“Wow, Max I guess you really don’t know what life can bring ya huh, little buddy.” 

 

Sam and I were just walking through the door to the office as he said that. “Huh, what was that?” I reply back. Sam gives me a puzzled look. “Did you seriously not recognize, the bad guy we just arrested in our brand of chaotic cartoon violence that should usually have us fired or at the very lest in hot water with the commissioner?” I glance up in thought, I even put my pointer finger on my chin to really show how hard I’m thinking. But I’m not really thinking about it because there is a cobweb in the corner that caught my attention, stupid freeloading spiders not paying rent. “Uh, max?” Oh right, the bad guy being familiar. “Umm… no?” Sam does a little cute head tilt like a puppy because we can’t go one day without him reminding me that he owns my as-. “You seriously don’t remember Chad Gonzalez from middle school?”  Huh…that name does sound kinda familiar. Middle school, haven’t thought about that mess in a hot decade. Oh no, my visions getting wavy! Looks like we’re having a flashback boys!

  
  


\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

  
  


_ Like, at least ten years in the past, minimum. Probably? How old ARE we? What year is it? _

  
  


“And I was like, holy salt on a fresh wound in summer! And that’s how I spent my weekend Max, you?” I turned and grinned. “ Nothing but violent movie rentals, that I should not have been able to obtain, but the teenager working the till was so drained of life thanks to working in customer service that he didn’t even notice that I’m like, nine to twelve years old.” Sam giggled at that. “You crack me up, little buddy.” We chatted more on our way to school, about the crazy crap we got up to this weekend, normally we would have hung out but Sam had to visit weird, gross cousin. “Hey, Max isn’t there like three tests today?”... Crap. 

 

_ About 8 boring school hours later _

 

“Man that sucked! I was ready to commit Sudoku on myself with my pencil!” I whined to Sam. “ I’m pretty sure you mean Seppuku, the honorable samurai disembowelment method used to die with honor, to enact torture or to avoid shame, Max.” He replied to me. “ You see, Sam this is why we are friends, you teach me about the wonders other cultures have to offer us.” “You crack me up, little-” “HEY LOSERS!!!!” Oh god, this jerkwad again. Chad Gonzalez, basically if you took the classic bully archetype and mixed it with both Hitler and Satan and then decided that the Satan and Hitler pieces were too much and tried to removed them but were not fully successful, you would get him. “ You losers, owe me twenty-four bucks in protection Money for this week!” He snarled. “Woah, that’s expensive!” Said Sam.  “Yeah, inflation really sucks!” I chime in. “IF YOU CAN’T PAY THEN YOU’LL RECEIVE A BEATING SO BAD THAT YOU’LL HAVE TO PAY FOR EXPENSIVE PLASTIC SURGERY TO SORT OF LOOK PRESENTABLE!!” Ugh this dudes the worst. “S-sorry, Chad but M-max and I bring l-lunches from h-home so we have no lunch m-money.” Sam nervously stuttered out. “Yeah, it’s a shame that the school doesn’t offer monkey brain soup.” I quickly chime in. “OH YOU’LL BE SORRY!” Chad then threw a punch at Sam’s face. Sam is now on the ground holding his  **_BLEEDING_ ** nose and making those sad, hurt puppy noises.  **HE. DID. NOT. DO. THAT. TO. MY. SAM.** The smirk on his face. The cruel laughter. The awful names he’s calling him.  **_HE’S GOING TO PAY DEARLY FOR WHAT HE DID TO MY SAM._ ** I don’t remember when I launched myself at him but all I know is that he needed to be punished severely for laying a finger on what is  **mine.** Now he’s on the ground with multiple bruises, a black eye and of course a broken, bleeding nose. The jerk then ran off crying like the little twat he is. I then turn my attention to Sam, still on the ground with tears in his eyes.  I went to go help him up and… the strangest feeling came over me, in that moment, all I wanted was to help him to his feet and… kiss him. To make him feel so loved and safe that he will no longer cry. I help him up and, at the last moment before I kiss him, change it into a hug. Wow. Was Sam always this warm? He’s so soft too. It makes me cuddle into him a bit more. Suddenly fantasies of doing this when he isn’t hurt and upset spring to mind, hearing him giggle when I attack him with kisses, him giving me bone crushing hugs. I… really like this feeling. Sam’s now hiccup-crying. I rub his back to calm him down, it takes a while but eventually he calms down. We break the hug (though I wish we didn’t) and Sam gives me a small smile. I that moment I realize that Sam has a really nice smile, it’s really cute,  **HE’S** really cute. “T-thanks, little buddy” Sam spoke a little unevenly. “No problem, by the way you smell like dog food.” I reply. “You crack me up little buddy.” Sam giggled. Oh god his giggle makes me melt. Sam felt his nose and realized he needed to get home and clean up. “I’ll see you tomorrow Max!” He said as he ran off back home, leaving me to watch him go. Huh… guess I’m in love with Sam? I smile. At least I won’t have to deal with girls in the future!

  
  


\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_ Back to present day  _

 

“I should have broken that jerks face again for old times sake.” I tell Sam after the wave transition subsided. “His nose already looks pretty janked up, Max.” Sam replied. “Well the jerk deserves it for decking you in the face in middle school.” I retort. Sam pauses and thinks. “Oh, right. Hey didn’t you hug me after he punch me in the nose?” Sam asked. Crap, hurry Max think of something quick! “Oh. Um… I was trying to steal your wallet?” I tried. Sam giggled cutely as ever. “You crack me up little buddy.” Close one. …. Have I really been in love with him since middle school? Man, I’m really, really whipped, huh?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR  
> Sam: *Is hurt* :(  
> Max: NOT IN THIS HOUSE BINCH  
> Sam: *Is comforted* :)  
> Max: Wow. I’m so gay.
> 
> Thanks for reading chapter two of this gay mess. The name “Chad Gonzalez” is just from a random name generator so that’s why he has the last name Gonzalez and not something more generic like “John smith”. Hope y’all are ready for chapter 3 because Max is gonna have yet another gay meltdown!(shocker)


	3. Sam’s car wash brings all Maxes to their knees and damn right it’s better than yours!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During a heat wave Sam washes the car and it’s so hot he thinks he might melt! Max however his having a different kind of melting experience, an internal gay meltdown  
> [Warning: This chapter contains some… Suggestive material(nothing happens but there are colourful words and descriptions being used to describe a dog man washing a car) , I put a warning about this chapter in the tags so like if you don’t wanna hear max being a thirsty gay ( how could you not?) then I recommend skipping this chapter. Have fun reading if you stick around though.]

It’s a absolute scorcher in Manhattan, a heat wave that broke several records and wants to ensure this record will never be broken in the foreseeable future is currently the reason why we yet to get any calls all week. If we don’t wanna move then it only makes sense that bad guys would feel the same, of course. That’s why I’m out here behind the office in the shade on a lawn chair siping a cold drink and not acting like loveable, possibly psychopathic self that I am. I have limits too! I wanna whine to Sam about how HOT it is but he’s currently inside getting “supplies” to wash our car with. You know if Sam were as diligent about cleaning the office as he is our car, we would look way more put together, and we would probably not have as bad of rat problems but whatever I guess.  The back entrance door opens up and speak of the sexy devil here's Sam. He’s carrying load of supplies that one would use to wash cars along with a rubber duck and sink for some unexplainable ( but hopefully, in my wildest dreams, kinky) reasons. He quickly made his way over to the car and dumped all his cleaning loot on the ground. Now I’m not sure how I didn’t notice this but he’s wearing nothing but an undershirt and jean shorts, I didn’t know that Sam even owned a pair of jean shorts. For context these jean shorts are not just the run of the mill just cut above the knee kind, nope these are the cut pretty high up, oh and they are tight, and when I say tight I don’t mean the skater talk for cool or something I mean  **SNUG.**

 

“It’s hot huh, Max?” Spoke Sam. “Yeah, you are.” I say, like an absent minded fool(which I am).

“What was that?” Sam did a double take. Oh stupid heat fried brain! “I said _ “Yeah, you are right!” _ ” I lie. Close one, Maximillion. Sam stretches (like the tease he is(he’s not teasing)) and says, “It’s not gonna get any colder” and got the hose set up. How is Sam able to give me an heart attack by just standing around? I need tips! Sam dunks a sponge into a bucket of soapy water and starts his work on the side of our beloved cop car. Wow. Sam on his knees is a great view, and by great view I mean, holycraphowhaveInotdiedyethessoHOT. Breathe in, breathe out, in, out. Okay, Max let’s not have a panic attack about your best pal and partner, (I wish partner meant something more) he’s just washing a car it’s not like he’s trying to put on a show for you, (god I wish he was) just calm down. I shake my head and try to focus on something else, which ends up being Sam cute focused expression, Max’s gay thoughts:1000000 Max’s Self control: one IOU card. Sam’s just so cute when he’s focused like this. I watch his face until he finishes this side of the car and goes to the hose to rinse any soap and dirt(or whatever we drove over in the past week) off. Poor Sam already looks overheated and tired and he’s not even halfway done, he’s panting  (oh my god) and is kinda hunch over a little as he stands. Sam then, by the might of some sort of god like figure, takes the hoses sprayer head off and lets water onto his head and body. As the water hits he lets out a little  _ “ahh..” _ which is probably illegal in like 49 different states and parts of eastern Canada for being way too erotic. Sam is now drenched in water and his white undershirt is now 100% see through, wow, what’s the point of it now? To tease me? To try and take me out once and for all with a heart attack and stroke combo? And while I’m over here coming up with conspiracy theories about how Sam’s an agent form the future set out to kill me without laying a finger on me, Sam’s looking a lot better from the impromptu cool off and gets back to work like he almost didn’t commit third degree murder on his  _ “little buddy” _ . Sam’s goes to wash the hood and, rather than being a merciful man and cleaning it from the front or the other side bends over to wash it from this side giving me a full view of his… **trunk.** Sam by no means can be called skinny. People like to give him crap about it from time to time ( and I probably didn’t help in anyway) and I know he’s not happy with his body  either, but I personally, in my expert Sam connoisseur opinion, I  **_LOVE_ ** his body,(surprise, surprise) I love how round his belly is, it’s probably perfect for belly rubs! His thighs ( though I rarely ever see them unclothed) are probably thick enough to suffocate me and I am very, very ok with that fact. And of course his…  screw it this has already gone to the point of PG-13 for sure, his  **ASS** ,  man! Goddamn! It’s Freaking RiDICuLous HOW GODDAMN PERFECT DAT ASS IS THOUGH! LIKE, CAN I GET AN AMEN?! The other Maxes in my head which are dressed in their Sunday bests shout  _ “amen, brother” _ back at the me that is on stage in this worrying delusion spurred on by Sam’s thick behind. Sam has now ploped back down next to me in the empty lawn chair. Did I lose time, AGAIN?! Did Sam’s tush send me several minutes into the future thanks to how, what are we calling it now? “Dummy levels of thiccness” (DLT for short) his booty has. Poor Sam looks exhausted and I’m ready to stab myself with a spoon if I have to deal with anymore of my feelings. So I go inside to get Sam some cold water to drink. I come back outside and Sam’s removed his undershirt(oh god here we go). I put the water bottle to the back of his neck and he yelps at the cold. He turns around and smiles ( oh no he’s cute) and takes the bottle. He then unexpectedly pulls me to his chest and says “Thanks, little buddy.” Oh, god his bare chest, I forgot to mention that I love his chest as well. I’m too burnt out to have much of a panic attack about it so I just softly mumble an “Amen.” And past the hell out on his chest. Perfect, now I’m gonna have intrusive gay thoughts about this for MONTHS!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR  
> Sam: *Washes a car*   
> Max: *In tears* He’s perfect thank you jesus for his THICCNESS
> 
> Sam’s body is a temple and Max worships the pantheon of Gods that live in there. So, yeah this fic got a little spicy and stuff. I hope you guys don’t mind. I wrote this thanks to the inspiration of the song “Halogen- U got that”. Comment down below if you thought this was hot garbage or HOT garbage. Till next time y’all!!


	4. Sam’s pissed and Max has the weirdest boner right now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Max get caught by a villain and Sam gets genuinely fed up. Max finds it really hot, actually ( but at this point what doesn’t do it for him when it comes to Sam?)

It was supposed to be a easy mission. But now Sam and I are tied in chains, five feet off the ground and Sam is missing his coat and hat, his tie is also disheveled. It’s a good look for him, but then again what isn’t a good look for him? “Well, well, well if it isn’t Sam and Max: Freelance LOSERS!” Wait, it can’t be- “Huh? I thought we already put you away?” Said Sam just as confused as I am. “Unlike you losers I actually have connections with people of power” Chad Gonzalez sneered. “Um, I’ll have you know that I am actually snark buddy's with the former Queen of Canada.” I reply.  Chad goes red in the face, out of rage because this piece of human garbage can’t feel any shame at all. “SHUT IT YOU ANNOYING, USELESS FREAK!” And something flies at my head, hard. It’s kinda hurts, I think I’m bleeding a little too. I then hear growling, but where-?  **“You will not talk to Max like that or throw crap at his head, you slimeball!”** Growled Sam. Oh shoot now Chad’s done it. Sam’s kinda  _ terrifying _ when he’s genuinely mad. “Oh,yeah? Whatcha gonna do about it?” Teased Chad.  **“I’m gonna shoot you in the freakin’ knee caps and then your weak spine, you broken condom.”** Barked Sam. Whoa, Sam that was… so cool and so friggin' hot at the same time. “I’d like to see you try, Crybaby.” Chad egged on. Sam begun to trash around in his chains.  **“You’re gonna regret the day you were born, you human representation of pond scum.”** Sam tore in. God, Sam is really hot when he’s mad. Like, I would let him slap me silly, spit on me, call me mean names and I would  **_THANK_ ** him. I can just imagine him pinning me to a wall and calling me a worthless tart, but I know that I’m  _ his  _ little harlot, so I feel special when he does it. Ok, Max calm down, you should not fantasize about Sam when on a case, especially when you are facing down the bad guy.  

 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

  
It’s been like an hour of Sam and Chad insulting each other and while it is _ interesting _ to watch Sam go nuts on someone, the chains are starting to get uncomfortable. “So like what even is your evil plan for us?” I ask. Chad stops mid lame insult to give me an gross smile, ew. “It’s a machine I ordered from  _ “Evil Ebay”.  _ “Wow, that’s lame, the cool villains build their own or at the very least commission out, not this stupid online shopping schtick.” I snark back. “OH, YEAH LOSER? Well, this machine will broadcast your most hidden secrets for the world to see.” He said. “Like most people do on social media?” “NO! Even WORSE!” Chad said as he pulled out a remote with one big red button on it. Chad then pushed said red button and my chains began to bring me into a hole into the ground. “Say goodbye to all your self respect, Freak!” Seethed Chad. As I began to fall I could hear Sam scream my name. Then there was nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR  
> Sam:*Is an angry boi*  
> Max: Step on me, please
> 
> Sorry if this chapters even shorter than usual but this one moves right into chapter 5, so think of it as a prologue to that chapter. So like if you didn’t know sam has his look from when he was an edgy noir boi in the tell tale games in this chapter and I’d think Max would be into unhinged Sam to a degree. Like, REALLY into it. Till next time! ( Also, Evil ebay… Really, me?)


	5. Lapin around in a fantasy world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An average day in the lives of Max and his partner Sam
> 
> [Warning: This chapter get’s a little intense, though nothing happens. It’s just a bit spicy but no Hanky panky happens so this work is still safely T rated. ( Unless enough of you guys think it should be higher then I’ll rise it.)]

“Max…”  What is that?  “Max…” It sounds so familiar.   “Max…”  I know that voice. “Wake up, little buddy.” I open my eyes. 

 

I’m greeted with the sight of my best friend laying beside me in my bed, smiling. “Morning, Max.” Sam said with a little cute yawn. “G'mornin’ Sam.” I mumble back. “Ready to get up like prices of gas on a long weekend in summer?” Asked Sam. I think for a moment. “Cuddle first.”  I say reaching for my favorite teddy dog, Sam. Sam giggles, “well I guess it’s ok if we stay bed a little late, it’s our day off after all.” Sam then moves even closer to me and wraps his arms around my torso and pulls me closer. I nuzzle into him as he gives me a tender kiss on my forehead. “ I love you so much.” I say into his chest.  “I love you too, Max.” Sam replies. We stay like this, cuddling and Sam giving me little kisses for half an hour ( but honestly feels like only five minutes) before Sam gets up. I’m a little disappointed but I decide it’s about time I get up anyways, I mean, who’s gonna raise hell if I don’t? Satan? Don't make me laugh! 

 

I walk out of the bedroom to be greeted with the sight of Sam putting frozen waffles in the toaster while sipping coffee in a housecoat with little bunny slippers that resemble a certain somebody. I trudge my way over to our modest kitchen table and wait for the waffles by partaking in one of my most favorite pastimes, ogling my very handsome partner.  I watch him move around the kitchen looking for the syrup, he’s so cute when he’s trying to find something. He finds it with a little _ “ah-ha!”  _ and sets the syrup down on the table. Sam then takes another sip of coffee, I’m starting to think that Sam has put his lips on that mug more than he has on me, that is completely unacceptable. With a little ding the Waffles are done and Sam puts them on their plates and brings them over to where I have been perched. He sits down beside me and gets to work on his waffles, I speak up. “Hey, Sam?” He turns to face me. “Hmm?” Sam gives me a look that tells me to  _ “go on, I’m listening.”  _ I stand up on my chair and give Sam a kiss on his lips, “thanks for making breakfast” I whisper in his ear. I really didn’t need to whisper, but I just wanted to make my gratitude even more intimate. Sam sallows. “No problem, Maxie.” He whispers back in a husky voice. I love it when he says my name like that. I sit back down and go to devour my breakfast like a bat outta hell. 

 

Once I take the last bite out of my waffles Sam speaks up, “Hey, you got something on your face.” I reach up to touch my face but Sam stops me. “No, I’ll get it.” Sam then licks my mouth. Oh, so he wants to play this game? I’m always down to see who will cave to the other romantic gestures first. I stand up to give Sam a huge french kiss but he stops me. “Look, little buddy, if we keep this up we will end up getting nothing done today expect for me pinning you to a wall.” He says. I smirk at him. “You say that like that’s the last thing want.” I flirt back while playing with his ear. “I wanted to take a bath.” He says a little wistfully. I pout at that. Sam sees my face and gets a naughty glint in his eyes. “Well, I mean, it does get lonely in the tub, maybe you’d like to join me?” Oh. Sam gets up and makes his way to the bathroom, as he sauntered he let his housecoat slip down one of his shoulders like some goddamn supermodel, he then turned and says, “ I hope you got the hint, bonehead.” Sam then disappeared into the bathroom. I love that man, and I love the fact that he’s gonna be the end of me someday. I make my way to the bathroom like a man on a mission. I open the door to the bathroom without knocking and see Sam in the tub. “Oh, hello sir how can I help you?” Jokingly asked Sam. “ I’m sorry, sir but it appears that you are trying to take a bath alone and due to recent bylaws we can’t allow that, I must supervise you.” I roll-play back. “Sam wouldn't mind if you joined in the tub.” Sam third person pointed out. I clamber in and place myself on Sam’s torso. I give Sam a peck on his lips. He reaches out for a shampoo bottle and pops it open and puts some shampoo on his hand(...paw?). Sam then starts to massage the shampoo into my fur, it feels like heaven. Sam continues to clean me and I sort of zone out into a state of pure bliss. 

 

Some light chuckling is what brings me out of my stupor. “Feels good?” Sam asks. “Mmhh..” I hum out. “Well I hate to say this but your all clean now, so-” “I wanna do you now.” I interrupt. Sam thinks for a moment. “Well, I can’t argue with that.” Sam gives in. I make my way behind Sam's head and reach out for the same shampoo bottle that Sam used on me. I take a big glob of Shampoo and get to work on Sam. I start by massaging his head and shoulder area, huh, Sams got a lot of tension in his shoulders. I began to knead into his shoulders. “You got a lot of tension in your shoulders, Sam.” I share. “The crook we took down on Thursday was a pain.” Sam confessed. I smirk internally. “Well you were able to apprehend him despite being so slippery, you’re such a good boy, Sam.” I say while trying ( and kinda failing) to keep a smile from forming on my face. Sam shivers, there we go! “M-max!” Sam exclaimed a little embarrassed. Sam has a dirty little secret, he loves being praised for his work, it’s such a shame that it’s rare for him to be recognized for his talents, but that’s what I’m here for, to remind him that he is my good, handsome boy. “You were so exhausted after that mission, Sam. You definitely earn today off.” I continue. I can feel Sam heat up. “M-max, please!” Sam pleads. “Now, tell me Sam.” I move to start washing his chest. “Who’s my good boy?” Sam begins to shake a little. “M-me?” He mumbles out. “Who’s my handsome boy?”  I continue as I move to wash his sides. “Is i-it me?” I smile at his response. “Yeah it is! What a smart boy!” I praise. Sam puts his face into his hands out of sheer embarrassment and lack of control of his feelings. I locate the “spot” on Sam’s back and begin to lightly scratch at it. Sam’s leg starts to twitch and move. “M-max!” He shouts. I stop and stand to kiss his face from behind him. “Sorry, I can’t help it!” I say with false innocence in my voice. 

 

Once we finished up the bath and got dried off, Sam and I went to the couch to cuddle while watching T.V. Sam kisses me and says, “I love you, little buddy.” I nuzzle into the crook of his neck “I love you too, Sam.” We stay like that for a few moments. But then… the world started to fade.  _  What’s happening?! W-where’s Sam? Wait… Sam and I aren’t? What’s going on? Sam? Please, I want Sam! It’s so dark. I hate this. I wanna go home. Sam?  _ I then fell unconscious. 

  
“Max!”  What is that?  “Max!”  Who is that?  “Max!”  They sound worried. “Please, little buddy, wake up!” I open my eyes. I’m greeted by the sight of my best friend, hovering above with a look of worry and then relief in his eyes. It looks like he’s been crying- no wait scratch that, he  **is** crying. I haven’t seen him cry since we were kids! “Sam? Why are you-?” Sam picked me up before I could finish and hugged me. “S-sam?” I stutter out. Oh god I just realized that Sam probably nearly had a heart attack when I fell into that hole. I feel my head. Oh, and I was bleeding, it doesn’t hurt much anymore so it’s probably just a flesh wound. “Hey, shhh…” I try and calm Sam down, I hate seeing him cry more that I hate the Dewey decimal system (stupid books think they're so great). “It’s ok, I’m ok.” I whisper.  Sam then moves so that we are face to face, I have no idea why because he hasn’t nearly calmed down enough to stop crying. “Sam? What are yo- **_Mph!_ ** ” Sam then lurch forward and kissed me! So yep this is happening. Um. Ah. What the hell? Wow his lips are incredible. Wait, he’s still crying? I feel like given the state of Sam there would be a swelling musical score to go along with this kiss but I guess the universe ain't having it today. “I-I can’t b-believe it!” Sam says as our lips part. “What?” I’m so confused right now. “I-I liked you since m-middle school!” Sam confessed. Ah? “To think you...had these… thoughts.” Sam thought out loud. “You like me?” I-I can’t believe it! Sam booped his nose to mine. “Y-yeah. I do.” Sam says softly. Wow. Wait, what does he mean _ “thoughts” _ ? “You said, “thoughts”?” I question. Sam looks towards a monitor placed on a wall. “Yeah, like that piece of human garbage said, this machine broadcasts your deepest, most secret fantasies.” Sam points out. I think for a moment. I think of the dream I just had a moment ago- OH! OH! OH! OH! That means that-! Sam saw-! With the bath-! And the flirting-! OH….! “How much did it...?” I try and fail to ask. Sam understands what I’m getting at and says, “Everything… including your inner thoughts at each moment…” Sam bashfully answers. He’s blushing. “D-do you really think I-I’m handsome?” Sam asks after a moment of silence. Sam looks away all embarrassed, he looks so adorable right now I might get type two diabetes. “How this for an answer.” I say as I grab his face. Screw it, now I we both like each other, so what are we waiting for? I crash my lips into his. He makes a needy noise as we kiss. “You were my sexual awakening you know.” I tell him outright as we part. Sam, by some unbelievable power,  blushes harder than he did before. “Funny, You were mine too.” He says. “I can’t believe we could have been together for  **YEARS** .” I whine. “Yeah…” Sam agrees. We spend a moment in comfortable silence. “Wait what happened to Chad?” I ask. Sam points over to a bloody pile on the ground. “You…?” I start. “He’s not dead… yet.” Sam chimes. “Wow, you really did a number on him.” I complement. Is it just me or do Sams arms look bigger? “That’s so hot.” I confess. Sam sputters. “S-sam! I mean, MAX!” I kiss him again, I think this is the start of something beautiful, and really, really gay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TL;DR  
> Sam & Max: *Are gay af every hour of every day*
> 
> Thanks for reading the final chapter of this! BUT!!!! It’s not over yet! I mean… We still have SAM’S stories to go through!!! So keep an eye out for that! This was the LONGEST chapter so I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to leave some tips down below to help me improve!! Till next time!!

**Author's Note:**

> TL;DR   
> Sam: *Exists*  
> Max: “oH No He’S HoT!!!”
> 
> Anyways this has been the first chapter of my first fic! Hope all five of you enjoyed reading it! Fun fact: when writing I noticed at one point that spell check was not trying to correct the word “Xtra” (I meant for it to be Xtra but I figured it would say it’s wrong(I’m writing this in a google doc)) so I looked it up and it turns out “Xtra!” is a LGBT+ Magazine. So, yeah, I somehow made the fic gayer without even realizing it. Anyways, till next time!


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